~ The Incurable Romantic, by Frank Tallis ~
This is a lovely read, a fascinating collection of case studies by psychologist Frank Tallis about the problematic love relationships of his patients. The stories/cases are interspersed with some light theory on romance drawn from psychological schools of thought as well as global historical and geographical contexts.
For example, he tells us that the western concept of romance has a Middle Eastern pedigree, and more, an Arab Bedouin origin. Apparently the Arab Beduoin wrote a form of poetry with motifs of” idealised love, thwarted passions and melancholic longing”, which was built upon by 11th century Islamic authors, then disseminated in the Moorish conquest of the Iberian Peninsular, spreading these love stories across Europe; which were then picked up by medieval French troubadours and entertainers, whose tales of courtly adventures featured la belle dame sans merci, knightly passions, chivalry, and the foundations of Hollywoodian notions of romance. Romanticism as a movement, in fact, “valued violent passions over cold reason”, and Goethe’s The Sorror of Young Werther glorified in popular imagination the misery of unreciprocated love or rejected lovers.
Tallis writes:
Romantic love makes impossible demands and quickly falls apart, after which its wretched disappointed devotees are offered the cruel consolation of a freezing landscape and a pistol. The romantic world view is rooted in literatures that construe love – particularly young love – as ascent tragedy. As such, it is a potentially dangerous body of ideas. To be romantic is, for the most part, an unhappy, hallucinatory experience. Romantic love promises one thing, but delivers another.
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(As an aside, Arundhati Roy’s powerful romances in her two novels both feature doomed love, of young protagonists who are ready to risk it all for short-lived, fleeting love which transgresses societal Love Laws; romance has to be doomed, to be true romance – perhaps the innate tragedy is the essence of romance!)
Tallis’ book show cases delusional romance, obsessive jealousy and romance, addiction to romance, idealised romance, discusses the powerful connection between love and death, looks at narcissism, even considers the romance of a paedophile (who has never offended). There is a particularly amusing story of two very odd people, but who are also charmingly compatible with each other. His patients are from all backgrounds and classes, all ages and genders and sexual orientations, and even cross cultural. It makes for a compelling read – in fact, one wishes Tallis would go on indefinitely recounting his fascinating case studies.
Tallis posits that romance is a great leveller, because rich or poor, when thwarted in love, everyone experiences the same wretchedness. And yet, surely those who have more resources (not just wealth, but any other resources – hobbies, passions, friendships, networks, opportunities for travel, etc) surely have more recourse to comforts and consolations than those who are more isolated, less well resourced, less informed on how to seek help or self-help. But the point Tallis makes is fair enough – that anyone – and probably almost everyone – can be hurt in love, by love, or loss of love or unreciprocated love; and that that pain is felt acutely, regardless of one’s station in life. It seems to have been Tallis’ work to help those whose romances have wrecked their lives, to unpack histories, motivations, fears, dreads and hopes.
In all, Tallis wants to get the message across as we as a society should not trivialise romantic love and even infatuations – these are not embarrassing and adolescent, or frivolous and unimportant – but feelings and experiences with serious impacts and consequences, and so need to be taken very seriously.
The Incurable Romantic, by Frank Tallis. Basic Books, 2018
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